I am grateful to my friend Angela for her willingness to share a personal story about her international adoption as an infant and the challenges faced by adult adoptees. I hope her story can help adoptive parents understand the powerful need of many adoptees to seek out information about their birth families.~ Tana

For as long as I can remember, I have wondered where I came from. My olive skin, almond eyes and black hair never quite fit in — whether at home with my Caucasian adoptive family, or at my rural (white) elementary school. That sense of not belonging followed me into my teenage years. I will never forget the man who told me, as I rang up his groceries, “Your people are such hard workers.” It was a harsh reminder that, despite my American citizenship, some people would never see me as one of “theirs.” The irony, of course, is that neither he nor I actually knew who “my people” were.

Over the years, I’ve attempted to sate my appetite for answers through primarily academic methods. I took a History of China course in college. On my own, I’ve read books about the history of Taiwan. I subscribe to a monthly electronic newsletter from the Taiwanese government, and to another from the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute. I’ve followed twin studies that examine the forces of nature and nurture. I’ve purchased adoption-related memoirs and watched documentaries about the subject. A trained journalist, I’ve interviewed and told the stories of other adoptees.

But the more knowledge I gained — about adoption, about my country of origin, about the political and economic forces that likely contributed to my being sent to a foreign country at a mere 3 months of age — the more questions I had.

If my life is a 10,000-piece puzzle, my adoption accounts for less than a handful of pieces. Most of the time, those missing pieces reside around the border of my being, unnoticeable. But at certain times in my life, I feel their absence strongly, in my center, and I hunger to complete the picture.

In 2010, I gave birth to a daughter. She filled a void I couldn’t articulate prior to that day. For 30 years, I lived with an absence of a history, of roots, of a biological connection to any other human being. Realizing my daughter has my hands, for example, was a profound experience. Her palms, her knuckles, her fingernails … they’re just like mine. She scrunches her eyebrows like me. She is goofy and opinionated like me.

I know my daughter is different from me in at least as many ways as she is similar, and yet it amazes me to see myself in her — traits I now realize I inherited, not learned.

And so, in January 2012, I resumed my quest for information, one I had primarily ceased (except for academic reading) after the stereotypical college phase of trying to “find myself.”

Without elaborating on all of the bureaucratic barriers, suffice to say I encountered more closed doors than open ones. For years, I assumed my search was complicated by a lack of records in Taiwan, when in fact, Taiwan has a comprehensive government database of families dating back to its Japanese occupation. The problem was that most of my adoption paperwork (what little bits I could finally get my hands on) was in English with pinyin names (phonetic equivalents of the Chinese characters). Finally, I was able to get a faded photocopy of my infant passport, which included the Chinese characters of my given name at birth. With that, the door cracked open.

Yesterday, after many months and miles (and therapy bills), I woke up, hit snooze on my iPhone and opened my email. A subject line, “News from Taiwan,” startled me.

In the email, I learned the intermediary had made contact with my older half-brother, that my daughter has a Taiwanese cousin only one year older than her, that my younger half-brother (whose existence I learned of only three months ago) was also placed for adoption, that my birthmother has been married for 23 years and has a stable life with her husband, and that my older brother fears that telling her about me may affect her health.

Upon showing him the baby picture on my certificate of naturalization, he reportedly said I was, “just like my family.”

And with those words, I feel whole. The entire time I’ve been searching for information, I’ve never exactly known what I was looking for. I thought I wanted answers, I wanted medical history, I wanted cultural context. I wanted to know why and how and who.

Maybe I only wanted to feel connected to something, some place, someone.

I don’t know if or how this reunion will progress. I know that reunions are rarely happily ever after. I’ve seen my sister (adopted into the same family as me) experience it first-hand.

But today, I feel content. I feel happy. I feel like I might just belong.

After spending the weekend watching some pretty awesome documentary films at Columbia, Missouri’s True/False Film Fest, I have documentaries on my mind, which led me to search for compelling documentaries on the subject of adoption. Next on my list of films to watch is “Stuck,” a work by  Craig Juntunen. Juntunen founded Both Ends Burning Foundation, an organization that promotes adoption. Juntunen professes that purpose of the film is to get the word out about the troubled international adoption system.

The majority of Americans believe that inter-country adoption is on the rise when, in fact, the numbers have dramatically dropped. The film points to possible explanations for decline, such as the U.S. State Department, UNICEF, a United Nations agency designed to help children, and the Hague Treaty. The Hague Treaty was begun by the United Nations. The goal of the Hauge Treaty is to make certain that every child adopted cross nationally is a legitimate orphan in need of a family. However, the treaty places such strict requirements on its signers that many children who need a home are left in orphanages.
“Stuck” follows the lives of five orphaned children. One such child is in the process of being adopted by Nick and Lori Leroy, who first adopted a child from Vietnam when he was only seven months old. But, Vietnam shut down inter-country adoptions before the adoption was complete, halting the process for the Leroys. The film follows the Leroys’ fight for their son, recounting their four year struggle.

Documentary film has had a lot of success in bringing awareness to important issues that are otherwise overlooked. Although I haven’t seen “Stuck,” I will. If you’ve seen the film, please share your thoughts.

Ask a client I’ll call “Jennifer,” and she’ll tell you that Missouri’s legal stance on same-sex relationships remains hopelessly muddled. As homosexual woman married to her long-time partner in Massachusetts, Jennifer and her partner went through a circuitousness and confusing legal maze when navigating current Missouri adoption laws to adopt one another’s children from previous relationships. They sought to engage in what is known as a ‘stepparent adoption’ or ‘second-parent’ adoption. This involves each adopting the other’s child so that they are recognized legally as the parent of both.

They were surprised to find that although there are no specific laws banning Missouri LGBT adoption, technically they cannot engage in stepparent adoptions because they cannot be stepparents. This is because the State of Missouri does not recognize their marriage. These conflicting policies make for a Wild West of an adoption situation in the state. It essentially becomes the individual decisions of judges to decide each case, and inconsistency is the name of the game. Couples residing in more conservative counties often have to move their adoption proceedings to a county where judges had proven more tolerant of LGBT adoptions in a second-parent vein.

The citizens of Missouri are divided on the complex issue. On the one hand, most support the adoption of children by individual members of the LGBT community, often reasoning that otherwise orphans might have no home at all. When children with special needs are at issue this support increases. However, many also see adoptions by same-sex couples to be a wedge towards marriage equality, and there is still strong opposition to re-defining marriage to include same-sex couples. The result is the confusing and inconsistent situation.

Adoptions are too important to be subjected to the inconsistencies of a Wild West situation.  It is clear that the laws regarding marriage and adoptions in Missouri need to be changed to clarify everyone’s rights and positions.

After a heart-wrenching intervention-style conversation with Henry and Ashley, the decision was made: Henry’s parents would adopt Lily. Henry knew he was not in a position to raise a daughter, and Ashley made no objection to terminating her parental rights, wishing to move out of state without encumbrance. Seeing how easily Henry and Ashley gave up Lily confirmed for the grandparents that they were doing the right thing.

In Missouri, there is a presumption in favor of the natural parents having custody of their children. In order to rebut the presumption, it must be shown a parent is unfit, unwilling or unable to care for their child. Alternatively, the door can be open for the grandparents to adopt if:

1. The natural parents consent to the adoption;
2. The natural parents are served with notice of adoption proceedings and fail to respond; or
3. It is proven that the natural parents have abandoned the child for 6 months or more.

The story of Henry and Ashley is a fictional one. But, more and more frequently grandparents are adopting their grandchildren. The U.S. Census Bureau shows dramatic increase in the number of children being raised by someone other than a parent over the past 25 years. Some of the reasons that grandparents become parents of their children may include substance abuse, death of a parent, child abuse or neglect, abandonment, teenage pregnancy, unemployment, mental health problems, or incarceration.

In addition to adoption, grandparents also have the option of bringing a guardianship case or a third party custody case. If you are a grandparent facing a situation like the one detailed above, it is important to consult an attorney to discuss your options for protecting your grandchildren. To learn more about options for grandparents to assume primary care over a grandchild, contact us at Knight & Salladay.

Check out the piece and let me know what you think.

In most situations, the adoptive parents and the birth mother will agree to appoint the adoptive parents as Power of Attorney for the baby.  This document is usually drafted by the adoptive parents’ attorney and brought to the hospital to have be signed, notarized, and witnessed.

After the Power of Attorney has been properly signed, the adoptive parents have the authority to make decisions for the baby.

When the baby is 48 hours old, the birth mother can sign the Consent to Termination of Parental Rights and to Adoption. Her consent is not final or irrevocable until the consent has been reviewed, accepted and approved by the Court.  It is important to treat the birth mother with dignity and respect during this time, which is often very difficult.

In Missouri, if the birth father is known, he must receive notice of the adoption, but he does not need to consent in all circumstances.  Your attorney can advise you further on the specifics in your case.  It is important for the birth mother to identify all possible men who could be the biological father of the child. Missouri has a Putative Father Registry. A man must file his name with the Putative Father Registry if he believes he is or maybe the father of a child. The Putative Father Registry is checked prior to placing a child for adoption.

If the birth father is known, he can sign a Consent to the Termination of his Parental Rights and to the Adoption no sooner than 48 hours after the baby is born.

After this process is completed, the adoptive parents must go before a judge to have the court terminate the parental rights and order a transfer of custody. After the order is entered, the baby will remain with the adoptive parents under the supervision of the court, until the adoption can be finalized.

In general the entire process from the time a Transfer of Custody is entered until the adoption is final is about 6 months.

Often babies go home from the hospital with his or her adoptive family in cases when the birth mother has made a plan for adoption and selected the birth parents ahead of time.  In other cases if the mother has not selected a family to adopt her baby until after her baby is born the circumstances of placement can be different.

Bringing home a baby is always a huge joy.  However, surrendering a baby for adoption can be the hardest decision a mother faces.  Be mindful of the important and difficult decision that the birth mother is making and provide her with the upmost respect.

Congratulations on your baby!

1) Educate yourself about the adoption process. Research adoption websites. Read books and magazines about adoption. Look for an adoption conference or orientation session to attend. Look for a social networking resource for adoptive family and those interested in adoption.

2) Select an agency and/or an adoption attorney. Make sure the agencies you contact are licensed in the state you reside. Make sure you understand what services will be provided by the agency and/or what services will be provided by the attorney. Do you need both an agency and an attorney? Gather information about the type of adoptions they provide, the fee structure, and the timeframe for the adoption. Get references and speak with other parents who have used the same agency and/or attorney.

3) Complete your homestudy. A homestudy can be provided by an agency social worker or an independent social worker. The homestudy consists of a series of meeting between you and the social worker. The worker will review important legal documents, such as birth certificates, marriage licenses, and personal references. You will be required to submit to background screening and child abuse clearances.

4)  Find your child. Make sure you ask all necessary questions to learn about the child and his or her family. The more information you have the better. Meet the child and birth parents for at least one or two visits.

5) Receive a Placement. The placement date is when the child comes to live in your home. The parental rights of the birth parents are terminated and you receive custody of the child following a court hearing. In Missouri, the child will be placed with you for a minimum of six months before the adoption can be finalized. During the six-month waiting period, you will be under post placement supervision by the individual or agency that provided your homestudy. The social worker will visit the child in your home to ensure that the placement is going well.

6) Finalize your Adoption. After the post placement supervision is completed, you can schedule your final adoption hearing with the court. At the hearing, the judge will finalize your adoption. Approximately one month following the final adoption, you will receive an amended birth certificate for your child, naming you as the parents and you will receive a certificate and decree of adoption.

If you have questions about moving forward with an adoption, we would love to help. Contact us at Knight & Salladay to schedule a consultation.